Articles
The Gift of Fear Part 4 - The Protection Process
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1. Detect evidence that sexual abuse has occurred. The body of a sexually abused child may try to communicate what has happened; a good doctor can help you break the code. The diagnosis of sexual abuse will depend upon the pediatrician's
willingness to consider abuse as a possibility. Choose your doctor with care. (Guidelines offered.)
2. Detect evidence that it's likely to occur. Most of the strategies used by predators who are strangers apply, except that with sexual abuse it is usually someone a child already knows. Recognize and follow "the footprints": an unhappy child not getting support at home will look for it elsewhere; the presence and growing popularity of an adult; an increasing amount of time they spend together; gifts, phone messages. Remember, a child is far more vulnerable to
someone the family knows than to a stranger. Be willing to listen to yourself when you feel distrust.abusers don't likely see a sexual encounter as a harm at all, but rather as an expression of affection. They often aren't ogres or frightening people And that gets us to number 3 3. Make careful, slow choices about the people you include in your child's life--and fast choices about the ones you exclude. You needn't totally exclude someone, but simple change the rules of the relationship: heightened awareness
on your part, limited access to your child.
4. Teach your child about touch, the body, boundaries, communication,assertiveness, and sovereignty over the body.
Critical to whether children tell parents about sexual encounters, is knowing s/he can bring concerns and problems to parents and adult caregivers without reproach or retaliation, and having the vocabulary to tell. "You could fill a book the sounds and phrases families have coined to avoid saying these three words: vagina, penis, rectum."In the words of one law-enforcement expert: "Show me a child that knows nothing about sex, and I'll show you a highly qualified victim."
Some parents warn of "bad people" or people who will "hurt" you, but most sexual offenders are not perceived by the family as bad, and most sexual abuse does not hurt. (Similarly misleading are words like "sick in the head.") Concerns that teaching children the dangers of sexual exploitation will frighten children are unfounded. De Becker believes that the words "Stop," or "I'll tell," spoken by a child will likely be effective because those words identify a child who can tell.
For some parents, the least popular feature of their children is defiance. Yet is one of the most important for safety. If defiance is always met with discipline and never with discussion, that can handicap a child.
A defiant toddler is building the courage to resist. A teenage daughter never able to test her defiance on a parent, may be unable to use it on a predator.
Several programs and presentations that teach children how to recognize and avoid the common lures of sexual predators are listed.
Babysitters and Nannies
Choosing a babysitter is one process in which it's better to look for the storm clouds than to look for the silver lining.De Becker assures parents that it is entirely appropriate to ask someone to whom you may entrust your child to discuss the issues you care most about--for
example, have you ever abused a child? How the applicant answers such a question will give you a lot of information about him or her.
De Becker offers questions and tests that are designed to elicit information and to put important subjects on the agenda. Questions range from those addressing
disciplinary philosophy and emergency situations to opinions on drugs and alcohol. References are valuable only if all the information needed for you to contact them is provided--and, you contact them.
Factors to consider in determining how young is too young for a babysitter's age include does she have younger siblings (hence experience), have you known her family for a long time, do you believe her to be a mature and responsible person, and what might she be called upon to handle: fire, intrusion, injury?
For de Becker, considering teenage boys for babysitters raises the specter of sex molestation and the "complex topic" of men versus women in child care. He calls it complex because of the politics: "otherwise the facts are stunningly simple: Men are more likely than women to sexually abuse children." Male applicants require much more scrutiny than women; and if hired, they require
supervision.
Just as gender alone doesn't offer assurances of anything, neither do references or fancy agencies. Given the increasing incidence of sexual abuse, you may want to skip telling your kids to "Do what the babysitter says."
Children at School.
De Becker urges that we stop thinking of the school as an institution. "The school is people, period." All need to be in agreement that the welfare of the students is paramount. Many security guards receive absolutely no training on
any aspect of student safety. If guards are not trained or supervised or properly equipped their presence can hurt more than help when having taken this step, everyone stops looking at other aspects of safety.De Becker sees school administrators as overseeing the most underpaid workforce
in America. They can't possibly accomplish all we expect them to without parents' involvement--starting with reviewing the school policy manual, which was probably written with more influence from lawyers than educators, and probably none from child safety advocates. The appendix includes an extensive list of questions that can guide your evaluation of a school. For example: Are there policies addressing violence, weapons, drug use, child-on-child sexual abuse, unauthorized visitors? Can children call parents at any time? Are acts of violence or criminality at the school documented. Are teachers formally involved
when a child with a history of serious misconduct is enrolled? Schools should have ready answers to each question. If they don't, your asking will compel them
to consider the issues.
1. Detect evidence that sexual abuse has occurred. The body of a sexually abused child may try to communicate what has happened; a good doctor can help you break the code. The diagnosis of sexual abuse will depend upon the pediatrician's
willingness to consider abuse as a possibility. Choose your doctor with care. (Guidelines offered.)
2. Detect evidence that it's likely to occur. Most of the strategies used by predators who are strangers apply, except that with sexual abuse it is usually someone a child already knows. Recognize and follow "the footprints": an unhappy child not getting support at home will look for it elsewhere; the presence and growing popularity of an adult; an increasing amount of time they spend together; gifts, phone messages. Remember, a child is far more vulnerable to
someone the family knows than to a stranger. Be willing to listen to yourself when you feel distrust.abusers don't likely see a sexual encounter as a harm at all, but rather as an expression of affection. They often aren't ogres or frightening people And that gets us to number 3 3. Make careful, slow choices about the people you include in your child's life--and fast choices about the ones you exclude. You needn't totally exclude someone, but simple change the rules of the relationship: heightened awareness
on your part, limited access to your child.
4. Teach your child about touch, the body, boundaries, communication,assertiveness, and sovereignty over the body.
Critical to whether children tell parents about sexual encounters, is knowing s/he can bring concerns and problems to parents and adult caregivers without reproach or retaliation, and having the vocabulary to tell. "You could fill a book the sounds and phrases families have coined to avoid saying these three words: vagina, penis, rectum."In the words of one law-enforcement expert: "Show me a child that knows nothing about sex, and I'll show you a highly qualified victim."
Some parents warn of "bad people" or people who will "hurt" you, but most sexual offenders are not perceived by the family as bad, and most sexual abuse does not hurt. (Similarly misleading are words like "sick in the head.") Concerns that teaching children the dangers of sexual exploitation will frighten children are unfounded. De Becker believes that the words "Stop," or "I'll tell," spoken by a child will likely be effective because those words identify a child who can tell.
For some parents, the least popular feature of their children is defiance. Yet is one of the most important for safety. If defiance is always met with discipline and never with discussion, that can handicap a child.
A defiant toddler is building the courage to resist. A teenage daughter never able to test her defiance on a parent, may be unable to use it on a predator.
Several programs and presentations that teach children how to recognize and avoid the common lures of sexual predators are listed.
Babysitters and Nannies
Choosing a babysitter is one process in which it's better to look for the storm clouds than to look for the silver lining.De Becker assures parents that it is entirely appropriate to ask someone to whom you may entrust your child to discuss the issues you care most about--for
example, have you ever abused a child? How the applicant answers such a question will give you a lot of information about him or her.
De Becker offers questions and tests that are designed to elicit information and to put important subjects on the agenda. Questions range from those addressing
disciplinary philosophy and emergency situations to opinions on drugs and alcohol. References are valuable only if all the information needed for you to contact them is provided--and, you contact them.
Factors to consider in determining how young is too young for a babysitter's age include does she have younger siblings (hence experience), have you known her family for a long time, do you believe her to be a mature and responsible person, and what might she be called upon to handle: fire, intrusion, injury?
For de Becker, considering teenage boys for babysitters raises the specter of sex molestation and the "complex topic" of men versus women in child care. He calls it complex because of the politics: "otherwise the facts are stunningly simple: Men are more likely than women to sexually abuse children." Male applicants require much more scrutiny than women; and if hired, they require
supervision.
Just as gender alone doesn't offer assurances of anything, neither do references or fancy agencies. Given the increasing incidence of sexual abuse, you may want to skip telling your kids to "Do what the babysitter says."
Children at School.
De Becker urges that we stop thinking of the school as an institution. "The school is people, period." All need to be in agreement that the welfare of the students is paramount. Many security guards receive absolutely no training on
any aspect of student safety. If guards are not trained or supervised or properly equipped their presence can hurt more than help when having taken this step, everyone stops looking at other aspects of safety.De Becker sees school administrators as overseeing the most underpaid workforce
in America. They can't possibly accomplish all we expect them to without parents' involvement--starting with reviewing the school policy manual, which was probably written with more influence from lawyers than educators, and probably none from child safety advocates. The appendix includes an extensive list of questions that can guide your evaluation of a school. For example: Are there policies addressing violence, weapons, drug use, child-on-child sexual abuse, unauthorized visitors? Can children call parents at any time? Are acts of violence or criminality at the school documented. Are teachers formally involved
when a child with a history of serious misconduct is enrolled? Schools should have ready answers to each question. If they don't, your asking will compel them
to consider the issues.
